He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
