I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
