clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
