I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
