maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
