Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
