i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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