Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
