Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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