I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
