Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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