Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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