Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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