I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
