You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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