Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize