apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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