I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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