we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
