smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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