That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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