cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
