Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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