she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
