Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
