we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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