put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It was confusing and full of hummus
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
