I need help removing her.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
