I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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