Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
