mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
my mouth tastes like poor choices
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
