we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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