Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
