i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
