Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
