Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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