I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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