i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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