2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
