When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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