I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
