Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
