What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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