I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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