The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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