I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I pour the whiskey from now on
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
