Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I got chris browned last night
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
