I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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