Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
