I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
