Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
no you cant smoke seaweed
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
